


Shovel Talk

by AGirlNamedEd



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, i wish i could say this was the dumbest fic i'd ever written, it's about taakitz but they're not in it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-26 15:56:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15666453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AGirlNamedEd/pseuds/AGirlNamedEd
Summary: Magnus has a problem.





	Shovel Talk

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very stupid idea I've had for a long time and now that I've had one (1) alcohol I've decided to write and post it. Don't judge me I've been drinking

Merle didn't bother knocking when he went to Magnus's house. Magnus never bothered with that little courtesy when he visited Merle, so why should he? It wasn't like they visited each other that often anyway--they were both busy with their own stuff, and Merle was hardly ever at his house as it was. His Extreme Teen Adventures made it so he was always on the move. Merle was fine with that. It kept him in contact with his kids, didn't it?

Usually, when Merle walked into Magnus's house for whatever reason, Magnus was there to give him shit right away. This time, though, he was nowhere to be seen. "Hello?" Merle called, slamming the door behind him. Maybe Magnus just hadn't heard him. But no, he wasn't bounding down the stairs or anything. What _was_ bounding down the stairs towards him was his new puppy, Johann. Merle sighed and knelt down to pet the little guy for a minute as it yapped at him. "Hey, where's your dad?" he asked. Johann didn't answer, because he was a dog. Merle shook his head. Typical.

He wandered further into the house, Johann at his feet. Magnus was sitting at the kitchen counter, staring at the wall. Merle cleared his throat and Magnus jumped. "Fuck--hi, Merle! I forgot you were coming over!"

"Gee, thanks," Merle muttered. He crossed his arms. "You're pretty deep in thought there. Not hurting yourself, are you?"

Instead of insulting him back like usual, Magnus leaned back against the counter and looked at the ceiling. "I'm contemplating."

"That's new." Merle scrambled up onto the stool next to him. Johann wandered off to play with a chew toy. "Reconsidering joining me and the kids for our next Extreme Teen Adventure?"

Magnus wrinkled his nose. "Ew, no."

That was more like it. "Then what's got your panties in a bunch?"

"It's Taako." Magnus scratched one of his sideburns, still looking at the ceiling. "You know he's dating Kravitz, right?"

Merle snorted. "Hard to miss when Lup fuckin' shouted it at everybody right before the apocalypse."

"Yeah, okay, so." Magnus turned to him, a serious look in his eyes. "Kravitz is a grim reaper." Merle nodded. "And that means he's undead." Merle nodded again, waiting to see where Magnus was going with this. "And he's dating _Taako_."

Merle waited, but apparently that was the end of Magnus's amazing verbal essay. "He sure is all those things."

"Dammit Merle, don't you get it?" Magnus threw his hands up. "I can't threaten that! How am I supposed to give a shovel talk to a guy who shepherds the souls of the dead for a living? Um, unliving. Whatever. I can't be all 'well listen, if you hurt my friend Taako and break his heart I'm gonna murder your ass and throw you off a cliff' when I'm pretty sure _the dude can't die_. How the fuck do you threaten that?!"

Merle stared at him. "Holy shit, you're seriously that worked up over this."

"Of course I am! I always told myself that if anyone on the crew ever started dating somebody I'd have to be the one to give them a shovel talk." Magnus started counting people off on his fingers. "Capn'port wouldn't do it because he's too professional for that, you wouldn't think to, Lucretia wouldn't have been confident enough, Barry--well, he's Barry, Lup wouldn't give the talk she'd just burn them and everything they loved to the ground, and Taako wouldn't give a fuck. It _had_ to be me."

"Magnus," Merle said, putting a hand on his arm, "you have the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met."

"Thank you."

"But also the smallest brain, Taako excepted." Magnus scowled. "Look, you think Kravitz doesn't _know_ that if he fucks Taako over he's gonna have all seven of us, plus probably Killian and Carey and Avi and probably the boy detective, ugh--he's gonna have all of us up his ass if he so much as blinks wrong near Taako. And he _knows_ that. You don't have to _threaten_ him over it!"

Magnus flopped back in his seat, pouting. "But I _wanna_."

"Suck it, kid, you finally found something you can't just cleave with an axe a bunch of times. How d'you think the rest of us have felt, huh?"

"You have an _arm_ from your _god_. You can summon _angels_ and rain down _holy fire_ on your enemies! You'd have an easier time threatening an undead dude with bodily harm than me, with my axe and my Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom."

"Technically, that's Taako's Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom." Merle stroked his beard. "I guess you're just gonna have to live with it. Or multiclass again. What would you even call a fighter-rogue-cleric combo?"

"Holy Ruff Boi," Magnus said immediately. He sighed. "No, you're right, Merle. Kravitz doesn't need to be threatened. I don't think he'll do anything to Taako that warrants threatening, anyway." He paused. "But I _wanna_."

"You're a whiny baby," Merle informed him, hopping off the stool. "Come on, get your ass in gear. I was promised margaritas."


End file.
